My current struggle with Smite (and technology in general, really)

"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
[Check For Updates]
"Update server https://discovery.hirez.net last contacted at 5/9/2018 6:06:26 PM)"
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
[Validate/Repair]
"Do you want to validate the installation of Smite? This may take several minutes."
[Yes]
(Nothing happens)
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
"The Hi-Rez Studios Authenticate and Update Service is working normally."
"There are no recommendations at this time."
[Re-run Prerequisites]
"Do you want to re-run the prerequisite programs for Smite? This will take you back to the launcher to complete this request."
[Yes]
"Smite must install prerequisite programs now in order to play. You will need to remain at the computer to respond to prompts to make sure these programs finish correctly. Are you ready to install these prerequisite programs now?"
[Yes]
"Smite is running prerequisite programs."
(Three-page long AMD CPU driver EULA)
[I Accept]
"Installing Prerequisites"
"All redistributable prerequisites have been installed correctly."
[Ok]
"Smite is ready to play."
"Smite is running prerequisite programs."
(The same three-page long AMD CPU driver EULA again)
[I Accept]
"Installing Prerequisites"
"All redistributable prerequisites have been installed correctly."
"Smite is ready to play."
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
(Time passes)
"Smite is ready to play. Have fun!"
[Play]
(Smite launches)
"Warning: Version Mismatch!"
[Reconnect]
(Screen goes black)
(Screen comes back)
"Warning: Version Mismatch!"
[Reconnect]
(Screen goes black)
(Screen comes back)
"Warning: Version Mismatch!"
[X]
"Exit game"
"Are you sure you want to exit?"
[Ok]
(Time passes)
(Several Google searches later...)
[Win+R]
[run services.msc]
"Hi-Rez Studios Authenticate and Update Service"
[Stop the service]
"Service stopped"
[Properties]
[Log On -> This account:]
[Browse...]
[Object Types...]
[deselect "Built in security principals"]
[Ok]
"Enter object name to select:"
[{my account name}]
[{my password}]
[Apply]
"The account .\{my account name} has been granted the Log On As A Service right."
[Ok]
[Ok]
"Hi-Rez Studios Authenticate and Update Service"
[Start the service]
"Service started"
"Hi-Rez Studios Authenticate and Update Service"
"Status: Running"
"Log On As: .\{my account name}"
(Close window)
(Right-click Smite desktop icon)
[Run as administrator]
"Do you want to allow this app to make changes to your device?"
[Yes]
"Hi-Rez Account Name (etc)"
[Login]
"Smite is ready to play. Have fun!"
[Play]
"Loading..."
"This game was not properly authenticated at launch time."
[Ok]
(Attempt more Google searches)
"There is no Internet connection"
[fn+f2]
"Airplane mode on"
[fn+f2]
"Airplane mode off"
(Select my wifi from list of available networks)
[Connect]
"Checking network requirements"
"Can't connect to this network"
(A few attempts later)
"Connected, secured"
(Right-click Smite desktop icon)
[Run as administrator]
"Do you want to allow this app to make changes to your device?"
[Yes]
"Hi-Rez Account Name (etc)"
[Login]
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
(Time passes)
"Smite is ready to play. Have fun!"
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
[Win+R]
[run services.msc]
"Hi-Rez Studios Authenticate and Update Service"
[Restart the service]
"Service stopped"
"Service started"
[ctrl+shift+esc]
"Task Manager"
"Background processes"
"HiPatchService"
[End task]
(Right-click Smite desktop icon)
[Run as administrator]
"Smite is waiting for HiPatch update."
(Consider asking SF for help)
(Go to https://www.smitefire.com)
"Error 520"
"Web server is returning an unknown error"
[Ctrl+f5]
"This page isn’t working"
"www.smitefire.com is currently unable to handle this request."
"HTTP error 500"
(Discord notification on phone)
(It's Bernardo)
("Is your laptop ok now?")