The Spikiest of Roots: Sylvanus and Arena and You

This is the most AMAZING **** in this game. Sylvanus, otherwise known as KING OF THE **********ING TREES is THE BEST god in the entire arena. Now, this array of general ***-CRUSHING AWESOME can be a bit much to handle, so I've done you all the great service of providing a simplified guide.

1. Look at that regal **********er. He's got antlers. Do you have antlers? If no, disregard this and go grow some you lowbrow dunghog.

2. STICK AROUND HUEHUHEUHEUHEUHEUEHUE

3. Sylvanus, the man himself, is the ONLY GOD with RANGED AREA OF EFFECT AUTOATTACKS ALL THE TIME. Hi-Rez might as well have quit here. Do you see these GRACEFUL ****ING ARCS!? This guy doesn't even need abilities to wreck your ****.

4. What are you still doing? Skip ahead to the part where I tell you what to do already. If you need more reasons to play this majestic treestallion, then you're better off playing league of legends. This clearly isn't your game.

5. DAT OWL DOE. SRS BSNS OVER HERE.

What? You're not satisfied with just a spiky rooted steed? You need items? Well, if you're not tree enough for hard mode, you'll want to leave the base with some shoes (essential for jumping on faces), an enchanted ring, and sprint (for running loki into the ground). Procure some child labor so you can afford to level up the shoes as fast as you can for additional focus, using spare ****stomping money for emerald ring and upgrading sprint.

Listen up treehuggers, this is the important part. Buy Telchines Ring with the lioncash you got from that last triple kill. Your autoattacks are now your best weapon. Wreck everything because nobody suspects that DOCTOR TREES is the one slowly seducing their healthbars. Land some DoT and they'll be dead before they even notice. If you're still worried about the gotten status of your goat, get Stone of Gaia (*****es love stones) or Witchblade as necessary. Buy Blink whenever you have some spare gold (i.e. always) because mobility is key.

Allies refusing to stay alive? Sell your firstborn for a Rod of Asclepius to maximize those wisps. Healing ain't free hippies. Soon enough all the *****es will be hanging on to your legs like suckling liberal puppies.

Still feel like there's something missing? Well, you're in luck. The good folks over at HiRez bring you SIX ****ING ITEM SLOTS. At this point you have enough power to destabilize a small island nation (looking at you Palau), but somehow you're still not satisfied are you? You're a discerning, moderately competent owl enthusiast. You want something more refined. Well look no further. POLYBUTTTOUCHINGNOMICON IS HERE. Divine wrath now does group deals.

Congratulations consumer! You now have everything you need to dominate the arena.

If you want to always win at arena (and you do, you ruthless **********er you), there's one simple fact that you need to keep in mind: YOU'VE GOT SPIKY ****ING ROOTS. YOU ARE UNSTOPPABLE. WHO CALLS THE SPIKEROOT? YOU DO. With that out of the way, here's a helpful-as-**** selection of tips.

1. Maximize the effectiveness of your seed by leveling that **** first. Whip your seed at anyone who comes close. Enemies, frenemies, birthday cakes, moving trains; you can't take any chances. Tell those ****ers to STICK AROUND, because they're not worth your time.

2. NEVER. STOP. ATTACKING. The human incarnations of sexual prowess over at HiRez gave you those glorious green mortars of unnamed organic material for a reason. Once you have that ring of power, there's no excuse to not deliver pain 24/7 like a trigger-happy Dominoes.

3. Only use your rooty appendage to grope at runaway hunters when you have the shot. Do you have the shot? If the answer isn't **** YEAH DUM***PSTER, then don't take the shot. Nobody wants to party with that tree that always misses. Don't be that tree. Don't.

4. Your wisps don't actually damage anyone. Throw out heals like an epileptic Canadian pediatrician so everyone knows Dr. Trees MD is in the house.

5. The owl is the real hero. Don't forget it. Keep it satiated with the flesh of lesser gods and it will permit you to live.

6. You're actually an assassin. Don't give in to peer pressure.



Credit: http://i.imgur.com/lkqaI2r.jpg

Well, you've taken the initiative and elevated yourself above the uneducated rabble. You want a medal? Tough luck, you're going to have to go rip it from the senseless bodies of your enemies. Stay strong all you dendrophiles out there and you too could be lazily sipping Arizona green tea from atop a mountain of severed limbs to the sweet, sweet tunes of Mark Knopfler. Cheers!